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merryfuture2023-07-12 02:16 pm
staygame) wrote in merryfuture2023-07-12 02:16 pm
unripe expression: walk a little further to the unfamiliar (2022)
walk a little further to the unfamiliar (ao3 link, see original work for author's notes) | unripe expression, ha junseo/original male character, teen, 6.2k words
tags: post-canon, unrequited crush, developing relationship, no archive warnings apply
written for: yuletide 2022
---
"Oppa," Juhye says, thwacking him in his leg with the long end of her newly awarded green belt. "Someone is looking at you."
Junseo turns toward where she's pointing. There's a guy his age standing near the entrance to the dojang, next to a young boy who's running in circles around him, showing off his taekwondo moves. The guy is indeed looking at him, half-squinting in a way that makes Junseo wonder if he's done something to piss this stranger off. His face is faintly familiar, though, and unpleasant memories of middle school flash across Junseo's mind, but before Junseo can try to put a face to a name, the guy is coming over, his presumed little brother trailing behind him.
"Hey," he says, smiling. "I think we're in the same class at hagwon."
"Oh," Junseo says. The choking tension in his throat releases. "Yeah, right. Hey."
The cram school classes only started a few weeks ago and Junseo's made a habit of keeping his head down wherever he goes, but he thinks he can remember this guy's face, curly hair and tan skin, among the crowd of classmates filtering in and out of the room. Junseo can't remember his name. He probably never learned it.
"Your sister had her belt test tonight too?" his classmate asks Junseo, then bends his knees so that he's eye level with Juhye.
"Yup!" Juhye says, beaming. "I got my green belt. Did you see my turning kick?"
"I did, it looked awesome. Congratulations on the belt." The classmate sticks his hand out for a fist bump, which Juhye happily returns.
"Congratulations to you too, Sanghoon," Juhye says to the boy who is now mostly hiding behind his brother's legs. "You did a good job."
"Thank you," the boy mumbles.
"Well, my parents are waiting for us, so we'd better go," the classmate says. He's still smiling, so Junseo smiles back awkwardly. "I'll see you in class on Tuesday."
"Yeah, see you then," Junseo says.
When the two of them are out of earshot, Juhye looks up at him with the kind of judgment that only a seven-year-old can convey. "Oppa, why are you so weird?"
"Shut up," Junseo says. His face feels hot for no reason. "Let's go find mom."
On Tuesday, the classmate slides into the seat next to Junseo's ten minutes before the start of the lesson. There are no assigned seats or anything, but by the end of the second week, everyone had pretty much settled into a designated spot. Junseo sits in the second row from the back, next to the window so that there is one less person beside him. A tiny girl with coke bottle glasses has sat on his right this entire time.
Until now, apparently, because the guy is already unpacking his things when he says, "Hey, sorry if I bugged you this weekend."
He shrugs off his hoodie and Junseo catches a glimpse of the name tag pinned to his blue uniform blazer. Gu Sanghyeon.
"I think my little brother has a crush on your sister, so I thought I could give him an excuse to talk to her," Sanghyeon is saying. "I didn't expect him to get all shy."
"You didn't bug us," Junseo says. "My sister loves talking to anyone."
"Good," Sanghyeon says. His smile, Junseo notices, is a little lopsided, one side of his mouth opening wider than the other. "I'm Sanghyeon, by the way."
"Ha Junseo."
"Nice to meet you properly," Sanghyeon says.
Then he flips open his math textbook and turns back to the front of the class. They don't talk again for the rest of the night, Junseo putting his headphones in during break and Sanghyeon focusing on his textbook, but 10 PM hits and everyone begins packing up their things, Sanghyeon catches Junseo's eye and waves goodbye with a grin. Junseo smiles back, a beat too late, unpracticed.
Junseo hasn't been avoiding Jaewon on purpose, exactly. It's just that they'd ended up with such opposite schedules that Junseo has gone the first month of school without seeing much more than a glimpse of Jaewon in the halls. They'd ended up in different classes again, and they don't overlap for PE or lunch. Convenient, since they haven't talked since Junseo texted congrats and Jaewon said nothing back, and since Junseo still hasn't gotten over his feelings.
He should've known he couldn't avoid Jaewon forever. He should've prepared for the inevitable, considered what it would feel like to see Jaewon face to face again.
But he hasn't prepared, so when he walks into the bathroom to find Jaewon washing his hands at the sink, Junseo immediately turns back for the door.
"Wait," Jaewon shouts.
Junseo's fingers are curling around the door handle when he hears the squeak of Jaewon's tennis shoes against the tile, sprinting up behind him. Junseo continues contemplating walking out for a moment, but he is pretty sure that Jaewon would just chase him down anyway. "What do you want?" he says to the door.
"Ha Junseo, can you at least look at me?" Jaewon says.
Junseo sighs, then turns. In the last few months, Jaewon has gotten taller. Just a few centimeters, but Junseo can tell, because Jaewon is now eye level with Junseo's nose instead of his chin. He's also gotten a haircut, long on top and trimmed short on the sides. Junseo wonders if Jaewon still wears the cap he'd gotten him for his birthday.
"I want to be friends again," Jaewon says. His hands are at his side, dripping sudsy water down to the floor. "Not right now, I mean, because I know I fucked things up, but I miss talking to you. I don't know if that makes me selfish, but I wanted to say it."
Jaewon's eyes are round and earnest. He's always worn everything he feels so plainly on his face. He's infatuated, he's dejected, he's pining, he's regretful.
"It's not selfish," Junseo says. Jaewon's eyes go even wider—hopeful. It stirs something uneasy in the pit of Junseo's stomach. He's spent the last few months wondering if he was the selfish one, wondering if he should've just left their relationship as it was, with the both of them aware of Junseo's feelings but tacitly agreeing not to acknowledge them.
Too late for that.
"Maybe sometime," Junseo says. It's hardly a promise, but Jaewon gives him an eager, determined nod. "I'll see you around."
On the other side of the door, Junseo closes his eyes, trying to calm his racing heart.
When Junseo arrives on Thursday, Sanghyeon is already sitting in the spot next to Junseo's. He's wearing his PE uniform tonight, the sleeves of his track jacket pushed up to his elbows. He looks up when Junseo passes him.
"How's it going?" Sanghyeon asks as Junseo slides his backpack off his shoulder.
It catches Junseo off guard. He's not used to people trying to talk to him. Maybe it's because his face is scary (or so he's been told), or that after two years his classmates have realized that he's not the greatest conversational partner, but everyone basically leaves him alone at school. Well, everyone except for Choi Yoonsung, and Junseo actually wishes Yoonsung would leave him alone.
"Uh, you know," Junseo says.
"Do you take any other classes here?" Sanghyeon asks, unfazed by Junseo's awkwardness.
"I have Chinese lessons on Saturday morning," Junseo says. It's his least favorite part of the week.
"Oh, cool. I have English on Saturday morning too." Sanghyeon looks down at his open textbook and then back up at Junseo. "Actually, are you any good at English?"
Junseo nods.
"Do you mind helping me with this question? I'm stuck between two answers."
Junseo nods, and Sanghyeon scoots his chair closer, extending his textbook to Junseo. He's only a few inches closer now, but for a second, Junseo thinks he can smell the clean scent of Sanghyeon's shampoo. "Here, is it #1 or #5?"
The question Sanghyeon is a long paragraph with two fill-in-the blanks. Junseo skims the passage, then skims it again with the answer he thinks is right. "The right answer is #1. So you got the first part right, but in the second part, it's basically saying that scientists look for patterns in the mechanisms of why stuff happens." When he looks up, Sanghyeon's face is wrinkled in confusion. "Does that make sense?"
"It does," Sanghyeon says, taking his textbook back and returning his chair to his desk. "Kind of. Thanks, though. If you ever need help with Chinese, just let me know. My dad has had me in lessons since I was a kid."
Their teacher enters the room then, their cue to quiet down. "Sure, maybe," he says, then turns to face the front of the room.
It becomes clear after the next class that Sanghyeon's seat move is permanent. It also becomes clear to Junseo, though he doesn't quite understand why, that Sanghyeon has decided that they are friends. It's not like they talk all the time. Mostly it's just:
"Junseo, can I copy your workbook? I totally zoned out at the end."
Or:
"Can you believe how hot it is already? It's only April."
And even:
"I didn't know you wear glasses."
"Yeah. I ran out of contacts."
"Oh, well you look good in glasses."
The last one left Junseo staring down at his desk, unsure of how to process the compliment.
As far as Junseo can tell, Sanghyeon doesn't go out of his way to be nice to anyone else. Junseo's seen him in the academy halls on Saturday afternoons with his friends, a tall guy and a short girl, their heights creating a funny downward slope when the three of them walk together. The first time Junseo saw them, it felt like intruding upon Sanghyeon's own world and he hung back, walking slower as not to catch up with them. Then Sanghyeon glanced over his shoulder and noticed Junseo anyway, shooting him a grin.
Junseo doesn't necessarily get it, but still, it's nice to have a friend.
It's one of those Saturday afternoons that Junseo finds Sanghyeon sitting alone in the academy lobby.
"Hey. What are you still doing here?" Junseo asks.
Sanghyeon looks up. He looks more dejected than Junseo's ever seen him. "Oh, hey. Just didn't feel like going home yet. You?"
"I had a question for my teacher," Junseo says. He'd stayed behind after class to ask his Chinese teacher a question, but that one question turned into a ten minute conversation that Junseo couldn't figure out how to extract himself from.
"Cool," Sanghyeon says. He slumps back against the wall, body sagging, and Junseo is about to ask him if something's wrong when Sanghyeon looks up at him. "Are you doing anything right now?"
They end up at a Lotteria near the hagwon. Sanghyeon chooses a table in an empty corner by the windows, afternoon sunlight streaming in hot against Junseo's face. Sanghyeon takes his time unwrapping his burger and squeezing out ketchup for his fries, but all of a sudden he stops with a sigh.
"My parents are getting a divorce," he says.
"Oh," Junseo says, lowering his burger. "I'm sorry."
"I'm not supposed to know," Sanghyeon explains. "My oldest sister just told me last night. I don't know when they plan on telling me or Sanghoon. God, apparently my dad wants to move to China for work?" He looks down at the table and lets out a sad little laugh. "Am I just supposed to pretend like I don't know?"
For lack of anything better to do, Junseo reaches out, patting Sanghyeon's hand. "I'm sorry. That's hard."
"Yeah." Sanghyeon takes a heavy breath. "Sorry for dumping this on you. I know we're not like—" He hesitates, just long enough for Junseo to think, I've misunderstood, he doesn't think we're friends, but in the end, he says, "I mean we're friends, but you probably don't want to hear this."
"It's okay. I don't mind listening."
Sanghyeon tells Junseo a lot of things. About how his parents have been fighting as far back as he can remember, periods of tense passive aggression followed by uneasy harmony. How in addition to his younger brother, he has two older sisters that he's close to. "My parents used to joke that Sanghoon was an accident, but my oldest sister said they thought another child would fix their marriage or something," Sanghyeon says, absentmindedly shredding his napkin into tiny pieces. "Why not just get divorced then?"
"Sunk cost fallacy?" Junseo suggests.
"I mean, why not wait until Sanghoon is older at this point?"
Junseo sips at the dregs of his Coke, thinking. "Adults can be pretty selfish sometimes."
"It seems unfair," Sanghyeon says.
"I don't really get along with my parents," Junseo admits. "I don't think my dad likes me that much. Something happened in middle school—" He hadn't meant to say that, but Sanghyeon doesn't ask him to explain, so Junseo continues. "And since then he just acts like I'm a burden. Then my mom tries to make up for it by being overly nice and, I don't know. It's suffocating."
"Wow, your dad sucks," Sanghyeon says, and the bluntness of it makes Junseo laugh in spite of the resentment he feels whenever he talks about his home life. Sanghyeon tips his cup forward. "To shitty dads?"
Junseo taps his cup against Sanghyeon's with a papery clink. "To shitty dads," he agrees.
Outside of the store, Junseo checks his phone. They'd been in there for over an hour, though he hadn't noticed until now. "I should get going, I have work tonight," he says. "Are you going to be okay?"
"I'll be fine," Sanghyeon says. "Thank you for doing this. Earlier today I thought I'd feel better if I didn't talk about it, and then when class ended and I had to face going home it was like, wait what the fuck? But I'm glad you were around." He says all this with a sheepish expression, but at the same time, his gaze is steady, even insistent. It makes Junseo want to avert his eyes.
"You don't have to thank me," he says.
"But I want to," Sanghyeon says.
Junseo is grateful when Sangyeon looks away first.
"Come on," Sanghyeon says. "I'll walk you to the station."
Junseo doesn't realize he's dozing off until he feels a soft nudge on his arm. When his eyes blink open, the first thing he sees is Sanghyeon's old school Casio watch. It's one of those things Junseo's found himself noticing lately, like the freckle on the tip of Sanghyeon's nose, or the way that Sanghyeon is trying to quit nail biting, but always ends up bringing his fingers up to his mouth before catching himself and jerking them away.
"Thanks," Junseo whispers.
At the first break, Junseo drops his head down on his desk. "I didn't realize I was so tired," he mumbles. He's got cram school on Tuesday, Thursday, and Saturday mornings, he sees an essay tutor on Sunday mornings, and he works whatever shifts he can. He tries to sleep at least five hours a night, but some weeks are harder than others.
"Rest your eyes," Sanghyeon says. "I'll wake you up when break's over."
Junseo nods, the pages of his textbook crinkling under his face. The last thing he sees before he shuts his eyes is Sanghyeon's face and a soft, crooked smile.
Sanghyeon's seat is empty when Junseo arrives. This isn't all that unusual, but when it's almost 6 and Sanghyeon still hasn't shown up, Junseo starts to worry.
During the first break, Junseo spots one of Sanghyeon's friends in the hallway. He crosses the hall without thinking about it, only realizing when he's standing in front of her that despite Sanghyeon introducing his friends to Junseo only a few weeks ago, he's completely forgotten the girl's name. Her zip-up half-obscures her nametag, so Junseo takes a guess.
"Um, Ireh, right?"
She looks up from her phone. "Oh, hey! Sanghyeon's friend."
"Is everything okay with Sanghyeon?" Junseo asks. "He's not in class."
"He's sick, actually," Ireh says, giving an exaggerated frown. "He missed school yesterday and today. Sanghyeon is one of those people who always gets a cold this time of year."
"Oh, okay. Thanks for letting me know."
Ireh studies Junseo's face for a moment, a look in her eye like she knows something that Junseo doesn't. "Don't worry, he went to the hospital today and he's already feeling better." She smiles. "He should be in class on Thursday."
Junseo makes it back to his seat just as the break ends. He pulls his phone out under the desk, thumbing over to KKT. Sanghyeon had given him his phone number a while ago, saying, "Here, take my number in case you need any help with Chinese or anything", but the only messages in their chat window are from that first exchange: hi ㅎㅎ, followed by Junseo's simple hi.
Sanghyeon's profile picture is him and his younger brother, both of them posing in a photobooth with their hands under their chins and wearing red, heart-shaped sunglasses. Meanwhile Junseo has never uploaded a profile picture.
He stares at the chat window. It's only one night, but Sanghyeon's absence has him distracted, off-balance somehow. It takes Junseo twenty minutes, during which time he takes in nothing the teacher is saying about calculus, to make up his mind and text Sanghyeon. i heard you're sick, i hope you feel better, he types, then slides his phone under his textbook before he can get in trouble for using it during class.
Junseo doesn't see Sanghyeon's reply until the next break. The selfie loads first—Sanghyeon in his bed, head back against a blue pillow, his curls fanned out underneath. He's wearing a worn looking t-shirt and a fever reduction patch on his forehead. There's a stuffed Squirtle on the bed next to him. Despite his dark circles and pasty skin, he looks happy, flashing the camera a thumbs up. thanks, he sends a second later. feeling better already!! hopefully i'll see you on thursday.
hopefully i'll see you, Junseo reads again. His classmates begin standing up around him, stretching and moving, laughing together, and Junseo stays where he's at, looking down at his phone. Sanghyeon's face looks back up at him.
"Hmm," Yoonsung muses loudly. "Interesting."
"What?" Junseo asks, not looking up.
"You're smiling at your phone," Yoonsung says.
The words don't register immediately, partially because Junseo is in the middle of reading a text from Sanghyeon and partially because he's used to tuning Yoonsung out. When he realizes what Yoonsung said, Junseo shoves his phone into his pocket. "No I'm not," he says.
"Relax," Yoonsung says, shrugging off his uniform top. "Don't be embarrassed. It's a good thing."
Junseo will regret asking. "What's a good thing?"
"You clearly like someone else. I thought you'd never get over Jaewon."
"It's not like that," Junseo says quickly. He turns back to his locker, reaching for his t-shirt to change into. "We're just friends. And it's none of your business anyway."
Yoonsung lifts his hands in mock appeasement. "Okay, sure, whatever." There's a temporary silence, but Junseo can feel Yoonsung's eyes on him as he changes. "It's a good thing, though. Liking someone."
Maybe for you it is, Junseo wants to say. It's never been a good thing for him
Sanghyeon lives in an older house in a tree-lined street, at the top of a hill that has Junseo out of breath when they reach the house’s gate. There’s a tabby cat licking its paws in the shade of the gate’s overhang, and Sanghyeon crouches down to give it a pet. “He lives around here,” he says as the cat nuzzles up into his hand. “Always acts like he’s starving even though I think half of the neighborhood feeds him.”
“He’s cute,” Junseo says. The cat flops over onto its back, head cocking to the side as he looks up at Sanghyeon.
“You’re going to have to move,” Sanghyeon tells the cat, his voice gentle. “We have a guest.”
Sanghyeon had asked Junseo on Thursday night if he wanted to come over after class on Saturday. “My dad’s out of town and my mom’s taking Sanghoon to visit our grandma, so no one will be home,” Sanghyeon said. “If you don’t have to work or anything.”
Junseo did have to work, but he wanted to say yes. He texted his boss the next morning, asking to switch his shift.
Inside, Junseo stops in front of a family picture. It’s clearly a few years old, judging by the baby fat on Sanghyeon’s cheeks. They’re all dressed in white shirts and jeans, Sanghoon seated between their parents and the three older children standing behind them, smiling stiffly. Sanghyeon doesn’t look much like either parent, but he looks just like one of his sisters, with the same curly hair and square chin.
“Which sister is which?” Junseo asks.
“Oh no,” Sanghyeon says, dropping his backpack in the entryway and rushing over to Junseo. “Don’t look at it. I was such an awkward middle schooler.”
“Everyone is an awkward middle schooler,” Junseo points out.
Sanghyeon rolls his eyes. “Fair enough. That’s Sangah on the left and Sanghee on the right.”
“You look like Sangah,” Junseo says.
“I’m sure she would be heartbroken to hear that she looks like her ugly brother,” Sanghyeon says, pulling Junseo away from the picture before he can say anything stupid like no, you’re both good looking.
Sanghyeon takes him on a quick tour. The kitchen, the living room, the cozy backyard with its overgrown garden. “My room used to be Sanghee’s room, but I took it when she moved out,” Sanghyeon says as he opens the door to his room.
It’s plainly decorated, just a few photobooth strips with his friends and postcards taped to the wall. Junseo recognizes Sanghyeon’s blue sheets and stuffed Squirtle from his sick day selfie, then feels weird for remembering them. He has a small bookshelf lined with suneung prep books and comics, so full that there are books stacked on top of the rows. In the corner of the room, there’s a guitar propped against the wall.
“You play?” Junseo asks.
Sanghyeon looks a little embarrassed. “Not very well. I made my parents get it for me a few years ago. I got really into old Superstar K episodes one summer and I thought I could be in a band.” He steps in front of the guitar, hiding it behind him. “By the way, are you hungry?”
They share a pot of ramen, seated at the coffee table. Sanghyeon puts on some comedy show with celebrities trying to navigate out of escape rooms, but it quickly becomes background noise, since Sanghyeon talks a lot, even while eating. His parents still haven’t told them about the divorce, but lately he’s noticed more whispered arguments that abruptly stop when he enters the room. “Like, it’s so much more obvious you were fighting when you try to act like everything is fine after,” Sanghyeon says, letting his head flop back against the couch.
Junseo follows suit, leaning back beside Sanghyeon. “Yeah, I know the feeling. That's why I want to move out next year."
"Lucky," Sanghyeon says.
The silence stretches out between them for a moment. There’s a laugh track coming from the TV as the celebrities argue with each other over clues. The air con kicks on, a low whir in the background. Junseo’s not sure what makes him say it, but he turns toward Sanghyeon and asks, “Why did you talk to me?”
Sanghyeon looks at him, an eyebrow raised. “You mean right now?”
“No, no. I mean back then, in class. I just—I’m just curious.”
“Maybe it was because you look so friendly,” Sanghyeon teases. Junseo must make a prickly expression, because Sanghyeon says, “See, such a kind face.”
“Never mind then,” Junseo says, looking away again.
Sanghyeon whines, tugging on Junseo’s arm. “Okay, okay,” he says. “Honestly? I think it was a little bit because you were good with your sister. Most people don’t have age gaps with their siblings like us. And maybe a little bit because, I don’t know, you looked like you needed a friend.”
Junseo blinks up at the ceiling. He wonders if this is how it will always be—not realizing he’s lonely until someone fills the absence, then losing that person in the end.
“Why?” Sanghyeon asks. “Are you trying to get rid of me?"
“No,” Junseo says. “I was just curious.”
“Okay,” Sanghyeon says. He stretches his arms over his head, groaning with his exhale. “You know, I wonder if I could convince my parents to let me move out if I say, like, I can study better if I’m closer to whatever university I get into.”
"Sounds logical enough.”
Out of the corner of his eye, Junseo sees Sanghyeon’s head roll toward him. “Hey, maybe we could even be roommates.”
That wouldn’t be bad. Sanghyeon is kind, he seems pretty clean, and he studies a lot. He imagines eating dinner with Sanghyeon, hanging out like they’re doing now. Junseo turns his head, and their faces are closer than he anticipated, close enough that Junseo inhales sharply in surprise. Sanghyeon is smiling at him, soft and fond, and two things occur to Junseo all at once. 1. He does have a crush on Sanghyeon, which means that 2. Unfortunately, Choi Yoonsung was right.
The realization startles Junseo enough that he jerks his head back, then sits up straight. "I didn't notice what time it is, I have to go," he says in a rush.
"Right now?" Sanghyeon asks, clearly confused.
"I just remembered I have work," Junseo says. He stands up before Sanghyeon can say anything else. "Thanks for having me over. I'll see you in class."
And then, like any self-respecting person would do, he flees.
Jaewon shows up to the park out of breath and holding two packages of ice cream. He’s remembered Junseo’s favorite flavor of Melona bar, something that would’ve reminded Junseo about his unrequited crush a month ago, but now just seems like a nice gesture from a friend. Personal growth, at last.
“What’s this for?” Junseo asks.
Jaewon thrusts the Melona bar into Junseo’s grasp. “I felt weird coming empty handed.”
He sits down in the swing next to Junseo. It’s the middle of the day, but the little park halfway between their homes is empty. The air is humid with the threat of rain. Junseo’s been sitting here for half an hour, since he texted Jaewon and said, can we meet? i need to talk.
“I’m happy you texted me,” Jaewon says in a hurry. “I meant it before that I want to be friends again. I miss talking to you and—”
“I think I like someone,” Junseo interrupts.
“Oh,” Jaewon says. Then, in recognition, he says loudly, “Oh?” He leans forward, peering at Junseo around the swing’s chains. “That’s good though?”
Junseo takes a bite out of his Melona. The cold stings his teeth. “I don’t know.”
“Who is it?”
“We’re friends. He’s in one of my hagwon classes.”
“Why do you look so miserable about it?” Jaewon asks as he yanks off the top of the Papico.
Junseo gives him a look. “You know what my romantic track record looks like. He’s probably straight anyway.”
“You don’t know that,” Jaewon says. “I mean, I thought Karam was straight until—” He stops, mouth around his ice cream, glancing at Junseo.
"You can talk about him,” Junseo says, rolling his eyes. “It’s fine.”
“My point is that you never know,” Jaewon says with the kind of plucky determination of a person who once had three guys trying to date him at one time. That is to say, it does not resonate with Junseo.
"I think I know,” Junseo says, scuffing his sneakers against the dirt. “It probably wouldn’t work out anyway.”
“Not with that attitude,” Jaewon mumbles. Junseo kicks his shoe. Surprisingly, Jaewon smiles. “Either way, I’m glad you have a new friend.”
“Shut up,” Junseo says.
It feels more comfortable than Junseo expected. His heart isn’t beating any faster sitting next to Jaewon. It didn’t turn his stomach to hear Karam’s name. He still feels a lump in his throat when he thinks about Sanghyeon’s face, near enough that closing the distance between them would’ve been nothing, but this, eating ice cream and talking to Lee Jaewon—this is easy. At least one thing feels right.
Sanghyeon is waiting in the hall when Junseo gets to class on Tuesday.
“Hey, is everything okay?” he asks. “You left so quickly on Saturday.”
Junseo hitches his backpack up on his shoulder. “Yeah, I just forgot that I actually was supposed to work.”
Sanghyeon doesn’t look quite like he believes Junseo, but he gives a strained smile. “Oh, well I hope you weren’t too late.”
“It was fine,” Junseo says, hoping that he sounds normal. “My boss is pretty chill.”
“Good. You can come over another time, if you want,” Sanghyeon offers.
“Sure, that would be fun,” Junseo says.
By the next class, things seem to have gone back to usual and Junseo is grateful not to feel any lingering awkwardness.
It’ll be easier to get over a crush when you know you don’t have a chance, he thinks. Except when Sanghyeon changes his KKT profile picture to a new photobooth cut, this one with his face pressed close to Ireh’s, it hurts more than Junseo expected, the familiar ache of disappointment.
he’s definitely straight, Junseo texts Jaewon. He gets back an immediate, :(, followed by, i still think you should confess!!. Junseo's reply is just one word: no.
Junseo is getting over his crush. He talks with Sanghyeon in class like always, replies to his texts while trying to ignore Sanghyeon’s profile picture, and even agrees to go to lunch with Sanghyeon and his friends after class on Saturday.
Now that he’s aware of Sanghyeon and Ireh, it’s hard not to focus on their interactions. She’s a head shorter than him, with long hair plaited into braids that swing as she walks. There’s a familiarity to their interactions that makes Junseo acutely aware of how much of Sanghyeon’s life happens outside of the seven hours of math class when they’re together. But it’s not Sanghyeon’s fault that Junseo likes him, so he tries to ignore the bitter feeling as they walk to the restaurant, letting Sanghyeon’s friend Jihoo talk his ear off about studying English.
He's committed to ignoring his feelings, but then at the end of lunch, Sanghyeon and Jihu get up to go to the bathroom, leaving Junseo and Ireh alone at the table. Before he can stop himself, he asks, “Are you and Sanghyeon dating?”
Ireh freezes with her sandwich halfway to her mouth. Then she laughs, a loud ha! that draws the attention of the couple sitting at the table next to them. “Dating? No way.”
Junseo feels like he’s missing something. “I just thought, since you guys seemed really close.”
“I’m a lesbian,” Ireh says bluntly. This isn't what Junseo was expecting. His eyes go wide in shock. “Is that a problem?”
“No,” Junseo says quickly. “I just didn’t know.”
“A lot of people at school assume we’re dating,” she says, finally taking a bite of her sandwich. “Which is actually kind of convenient, since no one suspects that either of us are gay.”
Junseo chokes on his soda. He can suddenly hear his heartbeat in his ears, drowning out the noise in the restaurant as he comprehends what Ireh said.
“Oh fuck,” Ireh says, standing up and shoving a wad of napkins at Junseo like that will help him regain control of his lungs. “That’s why you thought we were dating. Because you didn’t know. I’m an idiot.” She sits back down, looking distraught. “Please don’t tell him I told you. I just thought—”
“I won’t,” Junseo says, still catching his breath.
His mind is still reeling when Sanghyeon returns to the table. “You okay?” Sanghyeon asks, noticing Junseo’s red face.
“Drink went down the wrong way,” Junseo says. If Sanghyeon notices how quickly Junseo averts his eyes, he doesn’t say anything.
“Just because he’s gay doesn’t mean he likes me,” Junseo says, even as nervous anticipation has been building in his stomach since Saturday.
Jaewon buries his face in his hands. “You’re hopeless,” he says.
“It’s called being cautious,” Junseo says.
“It’s called waiting around for someone to notice your feelings so you don’t have to say anything yourself,” Jaewon says. His head snaps up. “Sorry, was that mean?”
Junseo responds by putting Jaewon in a headlock, only letting go when Karam gives a little cough from behind them. “My hero,” Jaewon croaks.
Tuesday’s class proceeds much like any other. Sanghyeon talks and jokes just like usual and Junseo mostly listens just like usual, but unlike usual, Junseo’s brain is ping ponging back and forth between he’s gay and don’t get your hopes up, he’s just being nice.
At the end of class, they walk out of the building together, but instead of heading toward the subway, Sanghyeon stops Junseo with a hand on his arm. “I know it’s late,” he says, “but do you want to take a walk?”
There’s a park near the hagwon that Sehyeon leads them to. It’s dark and mostly empty, but the tree-lined path is lit by street lamps. If Junseo wasn’t convinced that he was going to get rejected without even confessing, the atmosphere might seem romantic. As it is, Junseo’s chest is tight with anxiety as they walk, waiting for what he feels like is an inevitable blow.
Finally, Sanghyeon speaks up. “Ireh told me what she told you. She felt pretty bad about it.”
“She really didn’t mean to,” Junseo says.
“I was going to tell you at some point, but I didn’t want you to feel uncomfortable,” Sanghyeon says, shoulder slumping as he walks. “I hope we can still be friends.”
Without realizing, Junseo’s feet slow to a stop. “I’m gay,” Junseo says. He’s never been ashamed or anything, but it’s the first time he’s said it out loud like this before. Sanghyeon turns back to look at him. “I’m gay too,” he repeats, the words even steadier this time.
“Oh,” Sanghyeon says. His face makes a series of expressions that Junseo can’t understand. Relieved and then confused and then happy, all in a matter of seconds. “That’s good,” Sanghyeon says with a strange laugh, and then he bends over, resting his hands on his knees as he takes a deep breath.
“Are you okay?” Junseo asks.
Sanghyeon straightens up. They’re nearly the same height if Sanghyeon doesn’t slouch, and his gaze finds Junseo right away. “Sorry, I just—I like you,” he says. “I was going to tell you last week but then you left all of a sudden and I thought, I thought you must’ve known and been grossed out or something.”
Junseo can’t believe it. He feels lightheaded with the rush of the confession, his heart leaping into his throat. The street lamp flickers above them. “I left because I realized I like you.”
“Wait, what?”
“I liked someone last year,” Junseo says. He’ll tell the other story another time, when Sanghyeon isn’t looking at him with such nervous eyes. “He liked someone else and it took me a while to get over it. I didn’t want it to happen again.”
Sanghyeon breathes a sigh of relief. “You made it sound like you were horrified to like me,” he says.
“No. I was just scared,” Junseo admits. “But I like you. You helped me move on.”
“I’ve never done this before,” Sanghyeon says. He's still bolder than Junseo, reaching out and intertwining their fingers. His hand is soft, and the touch sends a shiver up Junseo’s spine. “And I know we’re both busy but I want to date you, if that’s what you want too.”
“I want that,” Junseo says.
“And I want to kiss you,” Sanghyeon says.
Junseo feels himself smiling. “I want that too.”
Sanghyeon looks around, then takes a step forward, the toes of their sneakers touching. He leans in, and Junseo closes his eyes.
After the next Saturday class, Sanghyeon drags Junseo to the photobooth studio. It takes some cajoling, because Junseo's idea of a good time does not include any props or silly hats, but Junseo's come to realize he'd do a lot of things just to make Sanghyeon happy.
"Come on, make a heart with me," Sanghyeon says.
When the shutter goes off, Junseo's mouth is still set in a straight line, but his arm is dutifully curved over his head, making a heart with Sanghyeon's.
"I didn't know you knew how to do aegyo," Jaewon says, examining the four-cut. "You were never cute to me."
Junseo plucks it out of Jaewon's hands, sliding the photo back into his bookbag. "That barely even counts as aegyo."
"You're cute when you're in love," Jaewon says.
"Shut up," Junseo says, but still, he has to actively resist the urge to smile.
tags: post-canon, unrequited crush, developing relationship, no archive warnings apply
written for: yuletide 2022
---
"Oppa," Juhye says, thwacking him in his leg with the long end of her newly awarded green belt. "Someone is looking at you."
Junseo turns toward where she's pointing. There's a guy his age standing near the entrance to the dojang, next to a young boy who's running in circles around him, showing off his taekwondo moves. The guy is indeed looking at him, half-squinting in a way that makes Junseo wonder if he's done something to piss this stranger off. His face is faintly familiar, though, and unpleasant memories of middle school flash across Junseo's mind, but before Junseo can try to put a face to a name, the guy is coming over, his presumed little brother trailing behind him.
"Hey," he says, smiling. "I think we're in the same class at hagwon."
"Oh," Junseo says. The choking tension in his throat releases. "Yeah, right. Hey."
The cram school classes only started a few weeks ago and Junseo's made a habit of keeping his head down wherever he goes, but he thinks he can remember this guy's face, curly hair and tan skin, among the crowd of classmates filtering in and out of the room. Junseo can't remember his name. He probably never learned it.
"Your sister had her belt test tonight too?" his classmate asks Junseo, then bends his knees so that he's eye level with Juhye.
"Yup!" Juhye says, beaming. "I got my green belt. Did you see my turning kick?"
"I did, it looked awesome. Congratulations on the belt." The classmate sticks his hand out for a fist bump, which Juhye happily returns.
"Congratulations to you too, Sanghoon," Juhye says to the boy who is now mostly hiding behind his brother's legs. "You did a good job."
"Thank you," the boy mumbles.
"Well, my parents are waiting for us, so we'd better go," the classmate says. He's still smiling, so Junseo smiles back awkwardly. "I'll see you in class on Tuesday."
"Yeah, see you then," Junseo says.
When the two of them are out of earshot, Juhye looks up at him with the kind of judgment that only a seven-year-old can convey. "Oppa, why are you so weird?"
"Shut up," Junseo says. His face feels hot for no reason. "Let's go find mom."
On Tuesday, the classmate slides into the seat next to Junseo's ten minutes before the start of the lesson. There are no assigned seats or anything, but by the end of the second week, everyone had pretty much settled into a designated spot. Junseo sits in the second row from the back, next to the window so that there is one less person beside him. A tiny girl with coke bottle glasses has sat on his right this entire time.
Until now, apparently, because the guy is already unpacking his things when he says, "Hey, sorry if I bugged you this weekend."
He shrugs off his hoodie and Junseo catches a glimpse of the name tag pinned to his blue uniform blazer. Gu Sanghyeon.
"I think my little brother has a crush on your sister, so I thought I could give him an excuse to talk to her," Sanghyeon is saying. "I didn't expect him to get all shy."
"You didn't bug us," Junseo says. "My sister loves talking to anyone."
"Good," Sanghyeon says. His smile, Junseo notices, is a little lopsided, one side of his mouth opening wider than the other. "I'm Sanghyeon, by the way."
"Ha Junseo."
"Nice to meet you properly," Sanghyeon says.
Then he flips open his math textbook and turns back to the front of the class. They don't talk again for the rest of the night, Junseo putting his headphones in during break and Sanghyeon focusing on his textbook, but 10 PM hits and everyone begins packing up their things, Sanghyeon catches Junseo's eye and waves goodbye with a grin. Junseo smiles back, a beat too late, unpracticed.
Junseo hasn't been avoiding Jaewon on purpose, exactly. It's just that they'd ended up with such opposite schedules that Junseo has gone the first month of school without seeing much more than a glimpse of Jaewon in the halls. They'd ended up in different classes again, and they don't overlap for PE or lunch. Convenient, since they haven't talked since Junseo texted congrats and Jaewon said nothing back, and since Junseo still hasn't gotten over his feelings.
He should've known he couldn't avoid Jaewon forever. He should've prepared for the inevitable, considered what it would feel like to see Jaewon face to face again.
But he hasn't prepared, so when he walks into the bathroom to find Jaewon washing his hands at the sink, Junseo immediately turns back for the door.
"Wait," Jaewon shouts.
Junseo's fingers are curling around the door handle when he hears the squeak of Jaewon's tennis shoes against the tile, sprinting up behind him. Junseo continues contemplating walking out for a moment, but he is pretty sure that Jaewon would just chase him down anyway. "What do you want?" he says to the door.
"Ha Junseo, can you at least look at me?" Jaewon says.
Junseo sighs, then turns. In the last few months, Jaewon has gotten taller. Just a few centimeters, but Junseo can tell, because Jaewon is now eye level with Junseo's nose instead of his chin. He's also gotten a haircut, long on top and trimmed short on the sides. Junseo wonders if Jaewon still wears the cap he'd gotten him for his birthday.
"I want to be friends again," Jaewon says. His hands are at his side, dripping sudsy water down to the floor. "Not right now, I mean, because I know I fucked things up, but I miss talking to you. I don't know if that makes me selfish, but I wanted to say it."
Jaewon's eyes are round and earnest. He's always worn everything he feels so plainly on his face. He's infatuated, he's dejected, he's pining, he's regretful.
"It's not selfish," Junseo says. Jaewon's eyes go even wider—hopeful. It stirs something uneasy in the pit of Junseo's stomach. He's spent the last few months wondering if he was the selfish one, wondering if he should've just left their relationship as it was, with the both of them aware of Junseo's feelings but tacitly agreeing not to acknowledge them.
Too late for that.
"Maybe sometime," Junseo says. It's hardly a promise, but Jaewon gives him an eager, determined nod. "I'll see you around."
On the other side of the door, Junseo closes his eyes, trying to calm his racing heart.
When Junseo arrives on Thursday, Sanghyeon is already sitting in the spot next to Junseo's. He's wearing his PE uniform tonight, the sleeves of his track jacket pushed up to his elbows. He looks up when Junseo passes him.
"How's it going?" Sanghyeon asks as Junseo slides his backpack off his shoulder.
It catches Junseo off guard. He's not used to people trying to talk to him. Maybe it's because his face is scary (or so he's been told), or that after two years his classmates have realized that he's not the greatest conversational partner, but everyone basically leaves him alone at school. Well, everyone except for Choi Yoonsung, and Junseo actually wishes Yoonsung would leave him alone.
"Uh, you know," Junseo says.
"Do you take any other classes here?" Sanghyeon asks, unfazed by Junseo's awkwardness.
"I have Chinese lessons on Saturday morning," Junseo says. It's his least favorite part of the week.
"Oh, cool. I have English on Saturday morning too." Sanghyeon looks down at his open textbook and then back up at Junseo. "Actually, are you any good at English?"
Junseo nods.
"Do you mind helping me with this question? I'm stuck between two answers."
Junseo nods, and Sanghyeon scoots his chair closer, extending his textbook to Junseo. He's only a few inches closer now, but for a second, Junseo thinks he can smell the clean scent of Sanghyeon's shampoo. "Here, is it #1 or #5?"
The question Sanghyeon is a long paragraph with two fill-in-the blanks. Junseo skims the passage, then skims it again with the answer he thinks is right. "The right answer is #1. So you got the first part right, but in the second part, it's basically saying that scientists look for patterns in the mechanisms of why stuff happens." When he looks up, Sanghyeon's face is wrinkled in confusion. "Does that make sense?"
"It does," Sanghyeon says, taking his textbook back and returning his chair to his desk. "Kind of. Thanks, though. If you ever need help with Chinese, just let me know. My dad has had me in lessons since I was a kid."
Their teacher enters the room then, their cue to quiet down. "Sure, maybe," he says, then turns to face the front of the room.
It becomes clear after the next class that Sanghyeon's seat move is permanent. It also becomes clear to Junseo, though he doesn't quite understand why, that Sanghyeon has decided that they are friends. It's not like they talk all the time. Mostly it's just:
"Junseo, can I copy your workbook? I totally zoned out at the end."
Or:
"Can you believe how hot it is already? It's only April."
And even:
"I didn't know you wear glasses."
"Yeah. I ran out of contacts."
"Oh, well you look good in glasses."
The last one left Junseo staring down at his desk, unsure of how to process the compliment.
As far as Junseo can tell, Sanghyeon doesn't go out of his way to be nice to anyone else. Junseo's seen him in the academy halls on Saturday afternoons with his friends, a tall guy and a short girl, their heights creating a funny downward slope when the three of them walk together. The first time Junseo saw them, it felt like intruding upon Sanghyeon's own world and he hung back, walking slower as not to catch up with them. Then Sanghyeon glanced over his shoulder and noticed Junseo anyway, shooting him a grin.
Junseo doesn't necessarily get it, but still, it's nice to have a friend.
It's one of those Saturday afternoons that Junseo finds Sanghyeon sitting alone in the academy lobby.
"Hey. What are you still doing here?" Junseo asks.
Sanghyeon looks up. He looks more dejected than Junseo's ever seen him. "Oh, hey. Just didn't feel like going home yet. You?"
"I had a question for my teacher," Junseo says. He'd stayed behind after class to ask his Chinese teacher a question, but that one question turned into a ten minute conversation that Junseo couldn't figure out how to extract himself from.
"Cool," Sanghyeon says. He slumps back against the wall, body sagging, and Junseo is about to ask him if something's wrong when Sanghyeon looks up at him. "Are you doing anything right now?"
They end up at a Lotteria near the hagwon. Sanghyeon chooses a table in an empty corner by the windows, afternoon sunlight streaming in hot against Junseo's face. Sanghyeon takes his time unwrapping his burger and squeezing out ketchup for his fries, but all of a sudden he stops with a sigh.
"My parents are getting a divorce," he says.
"Oh," Junseo says, lowering his burger. "I'm sorry."
"I'm not supposed to know," Sanghyeon explains. "My oldest sister just told me last night. I don't know when they plan on telling me or Sanghoon. God, apparently my dad wants to move to China for work?" He looks down at the table and lets out a sad little laugh. "Am I just supposed to pretend like I don't know?"
For lack of anything better to do, Junseo reaches out, patting Sanghyeon's hand. "I'm sorry. That's hard."
"Yeah." Sanghyeon takes a heavy breath. "Sorry for dumping this on you. I know we're not like—" He hesitates, just long enough for Junseo to think, I've misunderstood, he doesn't think we're friends, but in the end, he says, "I mean we're friends, but you probably don't want to hear this."
"It's okay. I don't mind listening."
Sanghyeon tells Junseo a lot of things. About how his parents have been fighting as far back as he can remember, periods of tense passive aggression followed by uneasy harmony. How in addition to his younger brother, he has two older sisters that he's close to. "My parents used to joke that Sanghoon was an accident, but my oldest sister said they thought another child would fix their marriage or something," Sanghyeon says, absentmindedly shredding his napkin into tiny pieces. "Why not just get divorced then?"
"Sunk cost fallacy?" Junseo suggests.
"I mean, why not wait until Sanghoon is older at this point?"
Junseo sips at the dregs of his Coke, thinking. "Adults can be pretty selfish sometimes."
"It seems unfair," Sanghyeon says.
"I don't really get along with my parents," Junseo admits. "I don't think my dad likes me that much. Something happened in middle school—" He hadn't meant to say that, but Sanghyeon doesn't ask him to explain, so Junseo continues. "And since then he just acts like I'm a burden. Then my mom tries to make up for it by being overly nice and, I don't know. It's suffocating."
"Wow, your dad sucks," Sanghyeon says, and the bluntness of it makes Junseo laugh in spite of the resentment he feels whenever he talks about his home life. Sanghyeon tips his cup forward. "To shitty dads?"
Junseo taps his cup against Sanghyeon's with a papery clink. "To shitty dads," he agrees.
Outside of the store, Junseo checks his phone. They'd been in there for over an hour, though he hadn't noticed until now. "I should get going, I have work tonight," he says. "Are you going to be okay?"
"I'll be fine," Sanghyeon says. "Thank you for doing this. Earlier today I thought I'd feel better if I didn't talk about it, and then when class ended and I had to face going home it was like, wait what the fuck? But I'm glad you were around." He says all this with a sheepish expression, but at the same time, his gaze is steady, even insistent. It makes Junseo want to avert his eyes.
"You don't have to thank me," he says.
"But I want to," Sanghyeon says.
Junseo is grateful when Sangyeon looks away first.
"Come on," Sanghyeon says. "I'll walk you to the station."
Junseo doesn't realize he's dozing off until he feels a soft nudge on his arm. When his eyes blink open, the first thing he sees is Sanghyeon's old school Casio watch. It's one of those things Junseo's found himself noticing lately, like the freckle on the tip of Sanghyeon's nose, or the way that Sanghyeon is trying to quit nail biting, but always ends up bringing his fingers up to his mouth before catching himself and jerking them away.
"Thanks," Junseo whispers.
At the first break, Junseo drops his head down on his desk. "I didn't realize I was so tired," he mumbles. He's got cram school on Tuesday, Thursday, and Saturday mornings, he sees an essay tutor on Sunday mornings, and he works whatever shifts he can. He tries to sleep at least five hours a night, but some weeks are harder than others.
"Rest your eyes," Sanghyeon says. "I'll wake you up when break's over."
Junseo nods, the pages of his textbook crinkling under his face. The last thing he sees before he shuts his eyes is Sanghyeon's face and a soft, crooked smile.
Sanghyeon's seat is empty when Junseo arrives. This isn't all that unusual, but when it's almost 6 and Sanghyeon still hasn't shown up, Junseo starts to worry.
During the first break, Junseo spots one of Sanghyeon's friends in the hallway. He crosses the hall without thinking about it, only realizing when he's standing in front of her that despite Sanghyeon introducing his friends to Junseo only a few weeks ago, he's completely forgotten the girl's name. Her zip-up half-obscures her nametag, so Junseo takes a guess.
"Um, Ireh, right?"
She looks up from her phone. "Oh, hey! Sanghyeon's friend."
"Is everything okay with Sanghyeon?" Junseo asks. "He's not in class."
"He's sick, actually," Ireh says, giving an exaggerated frown. "He missed school yesterday and today. Sanghyeon is one of those people who always gets a cold this time of year."
"Oh, okay. Thanks for letting me know."
Ireh studies Junseo's face for a moment, a look in her eye like she knows something that Junseo doesn't. "Don't worry, he went to the hospital today and he's already feeling better." She smiles. "He should be in class on Thursday."
Junseo makes it back to his seat just as the break ends. He pulls his phone out under the desk, thumbing over to KKT. Sanghyeon had given him his phone number a while ago, saying, "Here, take my number in case you need any help with Chinese or anything", but the only messages in their chat window are from that first exchange: hi ㅎㅎ, followed by Junseo's simple hi.
Sanghyeon's profile picture is him and his younger brother, both of them posing in a photobooth with their hands under their chins and wearing red, heart-shaped sunglasses. Meanwhile Junseo has never uploaded a profile picture.
He stares at the chat window. It's only one night, but Sanghyeon's absence has him distracted, off-balance somehow. It takes Junseo twenty minutes, during which time he takes in nothing the teacher is saying about calculus, to make up his mind and text Sanghyeon. i heard you're sick, i hope you feel better, he types, then slides his phone under his textbook before he can get in trouble for using it during class.
Junseo doesn't see Sanghyeon's reply until the next break. The selfie loads first—Sanghyeon in his bed, head back against a blue pillow, his curls fanned out underneath. He's wearing a worn looking t-shirt and a fever reduction patch on his forehead. There's a stuffed Squirtle on the bed next to him. Despite his dark circles and pasty skin, he looks happy, flashing the camera a thumbs up. thanks, he sends a second later. feeling better already!! hopefully i'll see you on thursday.
hopefully i'll see you, Junseo reads again. His classmates begin standing up around him, stretching and moving, laughing together, and Junseo stays where he's at, looking down at his phone. Sanghyeon's face looks back up at him.
"Hmm," Yoonsung muses loudly. "Interesting."
"What?" Junseo asks, not looking up.
"You're smiling at your phone," Yoonsung says.
The words don't register immediately, partially because Junseo is in the middle of reading a text from Sanghyeon and partially because he's used to tuning Yoonsung out. When he realizes what Yoonsung said, Junseo shoves his phone into his pocket. "No I'm not," he says.
"Relax," Yoonsung says, shrugging off his uniform top. "Don't be embarrassed. It's a good thing."
Junseo will regret asking. "What's a good thing?"
"You clearly like someone else. I thought you'd never get over Jaewon."
"It's not like that," Junseo says quickly. He turns back to his locker, reaching for his t-shirt to change into. "We're just friends. And it's none of your business anyway."
Yoonsung lifts his hands in mock appeasement. "Okay, sure, whatever." There's a temporary silence, but Junseo can feel Yoonsung's eyes on him as he changes. "It's a good thing, though. Liking someone."
Maybe for you it is, Junseo wants to say. It's never been a good thing for him
Sanghyeon lives in an older house in a tree-lined street, at the top of a hill that has Junseo out of breath when they reach the house’s gate. There’s a tabby cat licking its paws in the shade of the gate’s overhang, and Sanghyeon crouches down to give it a pet. “He lives around here,” he says as the cat nuzzles up into his hand. “Always acts like he’s starving even though I think half of the neighborhood feeds him.”
“He’s cute,” Junseo says. The cat flops over onto its back, head cocking to the side as he looks up at Sanghyeon.
“You’re going to have to move,” Sanghyeon tells the cat, his voice gentle. “We have a guest.”
Sanghyeon had asked Junseo on Thursday night if he wanted to come over after class on Saturday. “My dad’s out of town and my mom’s taking Sanghoon to visit our grandma, so no one will be home,” Sanghyeon said. “If you don’t have to work or anything.”
Junseo did have to work, but he wanted to say yes. He texted his boss the next morning, asking to switch his shift.
Inside, Junseo stops in front of a family picture. It’s clearly a few years old, judging by the baby fat on Sanghyeon’s cheeks. They’re all dressed in white shirts and jeans, Sanghoon seated between their parents and the three older children standing behind them, smiling stiffly. Sanghyeon doesn’t look much like either parent, but he looks just like one of his sisters, with the same curly hair and square chin.
“Which sister is which?” Junseo asks.
“Oh no,” Sanghyeon says, dropping his backpack in the entryway and rushing over to Junseo. “Don’t look at it. I was such an awkward middle schooler.”
“Everyone is an awkward middle schooler,” Junseo points out.
Sanghyeon rolls his eyes. “Fair enough. That’s Sangah on the left and Sanghee on the right.”
“You look like Sangah,” Junseo says.
“I’m sure she would be heartbroken to hear that she looks like her ugly brother,” Sanghyeon says, pulling Junseo away from the picture before he can say anything stupid like no, you’re both good looking.
Sanghyeon takes him on a quick tour. The kitchen, the living room, the cozy backyard with its overgrown garden. “My room used to be Sanghee’s room, but I took it when she moved out,” Sanghyeon says as he opens the door to his room.
It’s plainly decorated, just a few photobooth strips with his friends and postcards taped to the wall. Junseo recognizes Sanghyeon’s blue sheets and stuffed Squirtle from his sick day selfie, then feels weird for remembering them. He has a small bookshelf lined with suneung prep books and comics, so full that there are books stacked on top of the rows. In the corner of the room, there’s a guitar propped against the wall.
“You play?” Junseo asks.
Sanghyeon looks a little embarrassed. “Not very well. I made my parents get it for me a few years ago. I got really into old Superstar K episodes one summer and I thought I could be in a band.” He steps in front of the guitar, hiding it behind him. “By the way, are you hungry?”
They share a pot of ramen, seated at the coffee table. Sanghyeon puts on some comedy show with celebrities trying to navigate out of escape rooms, but it quickly becomes background noise, since Sanghyeon talks a lot, even while eating. His parents still haven’t told them about the divorce, but lately he’s noticed more whispered arguments that abruptly stop when he enters the room. “Like, it’s so much more obvious you were fighting when you try to act like everything is fine after,” Sanghyeon says, letting his head flop back against the couch.
Junseo follows suit, leaning back beside Sanghyeon. “Yeah, I know the feeling. That's why I want to move out next year."
"Lucky," Sanghyeon says.
The silence stretches out between them for a moment. There’s a laugh track coming from the TV as the celebrities argue with each other over clues. The air con kicks on, a low whir in the background. Junseo’s not sure what makes him say it, but he turns toward Sanghyeon and asks, “Why did you talk to me?”
Sanghyeon looks at him, an eyebrow raised. “You mean right now?”
“No, no. I mean back then, in class. I just—I’m just curious.”
“Maybe it was because you look so friendly,” Sanghyeon teases. Junseo must make a prickly expression, because Sanghyeon says, “See, such a kind face.”
“Never mind then,” Junseo says, looking away again.
Sanghyeon whines, tugging on Junseo’s arm. “Okay, okay,” he says. “Honestly? I think it was a little bit because you were good with your sister. Most people don’t have age gaps with their siblings like us. And maybe a little bit because, I don’t know, you looked like you needed a friend.”
Junseo blinks up at the ceiling. He wonders if this is how it will always be—not realizing he’s lonely until someone fills the absence, then losing that person in the end.
“Why?” Sanghyeon asks. “Are you trying to get rid of me?"
“No,” Junseo says. “I was just curious.”
“Okay,” Sanghyeon says. He stretches his arms over his head, groaning with his exhale. “You know, I wonder if I could convince my parents to let me move out if I say, like, I can study better if I’m closer to whatever university I get into.”
"Sounds logical enough.”
Out of the corner of his eye, Junseo sees Sanghyeon’s head roll toward him. “Hey, maybe we could even be roommates.”
That wouldn’t be bad. Sanghyeon is kind, he seems pretty clean, and he studies a lot. He imagines eating dinner with Sanghyeon, hanging out like they’re doing now. Junseo turns his head, and their faces are closer than he anticipated, close enough that Junseo inhales sharply in surprise. Sanghyeon is smiling at him, soft and fond, and two things occur to Junseo all at once. 1. He does have a crush on Sanghyeon, which means that 2. Unfortunately, Choi Yoonsung was right.
The realization startles Junseo enough that he jerks his head back, then sits up straight. "I didn't notice what time it is, I have to go," he says in a rush.
"Right now?" Sanghyeon asks, clearly confused.
"I just remembered I have work," Junseo says. He stands up before Sanghyeon can say anything else. "Thanks for having me over. I'll see you in class."
And then, like any self-respecting person would do, he flees.
Jaewon shows up to the park out of breath and holding two packages of ice cream. He’s remembered Junseo’s favorite flavor of Melona bar, something that would’ve reminded Junseo about his unrequited crush a month ago, but now just seems like a nice gesture from a friend. Personal growth, at last.
“What’s this for?” Junseo asks.
Jaewon thrusts the Melona bar into Junseo’s grasp. “I felt weird coming empty handed.”
He sits down in the swing next to Junseo. It’s the middle of the day, but the little park halfway between their homes is empty. The air is humid with the threat of rain. Junseo’s been sitting here for half an hour, since he texted Jaewon and said, can we meet? i need to talk.
“I’m happy you texted me,” Jaewon says in a hurry. “I meant it before that I want to be friends again. I miss talking to you and—”
“I think I like someone,” Junseo interrupts.
“Oh,” Jaewon says. Then, in recognition, he says loudly, “Oh?” He leans forward, peering at Junseo around the swing’s chains. “That’s good though?”
Junseo takes a bite out of his Melona. The cold stings his teeth. “I don’t know.”
“Who is it?”
“We’re friends. He’s in one of my hagwon classes.”
“Why do you look so miserable about it?” Jaewon asks as he yanks off the top of the Papico.
Junseo gives him a look. “You know what my romantic track record looks like. He’s probably straight anyway.”
“You don’t know that,” Jaewon says. “I mean, I thought Karam was straight until—” He stops, mouth around his ice cream, glancing at Junseo.
"You can talk about him,” Junseo says, rolling his eyes. “It’s fine.”
“My point is that you never know,” Jaewon says with the kind of plucky determination of a person who once had three guys trying to date him at one time. That is to say, it does not resonate with Junseo.
"I think I know,” Junseo says, scuffing his sneakers against the dirt. “It probably wouldn’t work out anyway.”
“Not with that attitude,” Jaewon mumbles. Junseo kicks his shoe. Surprisingly, Jaewon smiles. “Either way, I’m glad you have a new friend.”
“Shut up,” Junseo says.
It feels more comfortable than Junseo expected. His heart isn’t beating any faster sitting next to Jaewon. It didn’t turn his stomach to hear Karam’s name. He still feels a lump in his throat when he thinks about Sanghyeon’s face, near enough that closing the distance between them would’ve been nothing, but this, eating ice cream and talking to Lee Jaewon—this is easy. At least one thing feels right.
Sanghyeon is waiting in the hall when Junseo gets to class on Tuesday.
“Hey, is everything okay?” he asks. “You left so quickly on Saturday.”
Junseo hitches his backpack up on his shoulder. “Yeah, I just forgot that I actually was supposed to work.”
Sanghyeon doesn’t look quite like he believes Junseo, but he gives a strained smile. “Oh, well I hope you weren’t too late.”
“It was fine,” Junseo says, hoping that he sounds normal. “My boss is pretty chill.”
“Good. You can come over another time, if you want,” Sanghyeon offers.
“Sure, that would be fun,” Junseo says.
By the next class, things seem to have gone back to usual and Junseo is grateful not to feel any lingering awkwardness.
It’ll be easier to get over a crush when you know you don’t have a chance, he thinks. Except when Sanghyeon changes his KKT profile picture to a new photobooth cut, this one with his face pressed close to Ireh’s, it hurts more than Junseo expected, the familiar ache of disappointment.
he’s definitely straight, Junseo texts Jaewon. He gets back an immediate, :(, followed by, i still think you should confess!!. Junseo's reply is just one word: no.
Junseo is getting over his crush. He talks with Sanghyeon in class like always, replies to his texts while trying to ignore Sanghyeon’s profile picture, and even agrees to go to lunch with Sanghyeon and his friends after class on Saturday.
Now that he’s aware of Sanghyeon and Ireh, it’s hard not to focus on their interactions. She’s a head shorter than him, with long hair plaited into braids that swing as she walks. There’s a familiarity to their interactions that makes Junseo acutely aware of how much of Sanghyeon’s life happens outside of the seven hours of math class when they’re together. But it’s not Sanghyeon’s fault that Junseo likes him, so he tries to ignore the bitter feeling as they walk to the restaurant, letting Sanghyeon’s friend Jihoo talk his ear off about studying English.
He's committed to ignoring his feelings, but then at the end of lunch, Sanghyeon and Jihu get up to go to the bathroom, leaving Junseo and Ireh alone at the table. Before he can stop himself, he asks, “Are you and Sanghyeon dating?”
Ireh freezes with her sandwich halfway to her mouth. Then she laughs, a loud ha! that draws the attention of the couple sitting at the table next to them. “Dating? No way.”
Junseo feels like he’s missing something. “I just thought, since you guys seemed really close.”
“I’m a lesbian,” Ireh says bluntly. This isn't what Junseo was expecting. His eyes go wide in shock. “Is that a problem?”
“No,” Junseo says quickly. “I just didn’t know.”
“A lot of people at school assume we’re dating,” she says, finally taking a bite of her sandwich. “Which is actually kind of convenient, since no one suspects that either of us are gay.”
Junseo chokes on his soda. He can suddenly hear his heartbeat in his ears, drowning out the noise in the restaurant as he comprehends what Ireh said.
“Oh fuck,” Ireh says, standing up and shoving a wad of napkins at Junseo like that will help him regain control of his lungs. “That’s why you thought we were dating. Because you didn’t know. I’m an idiot.” She sits back down, looking distraught. “Please don’t tell him I told you. I just thought—”
“I won’t,” Junseo says, still catching his breath.
His mind is still reeling when Sanghyeon returns to the table. “You okay?” Sanghyeon asks, noticing Junseo’s red face.
“Drink went down the wrong way,” Junseo says. If Sanghyeon notices how quickly Junseo averts his eyes, he doesn’t say anything.
“Just because he’s gay doesn’t mean he likes me,” Junseo says, even as nervous anticipation has been building in his stomach since Saturday.
Jaewon buries his face in his hands. “You’re hopeless,” he says.
“It’s called being cautious,” Junseo says.
“It’s called waiting around for someone to notice your feelings so you don’t have to say anything yourself,” Jaewon says. His head snaps up. “Sorry, was that mean?”
Junseo responds by putting Jaewon in a headlock, only letting go when Karam gives a little cough from behind them. “My hero,” Jaewon croaks.
Tuesday’s class proceeds much like any other. Sanghyeon talks and jokes just like usual and Junseo mostly listens just like usual, but unlike usual, Junseo’s brain is ping ponging back and forth between he’s gay and don’t get your hopes up, he’s just being nice.
At the end of class, they walk out of the building together, but instead of heading toward the subway, Sanghyeon stops Junseo with a hand on his arm. “I know it’s late,” he says, “but do you want to take a walk?”
There’s a park near the hagwon that Sehyeon leads them to. It’s dark and mostly empty, but the tree-lined path is lit by street lamps. If Junseo wasn’t convinced that he was going to get rejected without even confessing, the atmosphere might seem romantic. As it is, Junseo’s chest is tight with anxiety as they walk, waiting for what he feels like is an inevitable blow.
Finally, Sanghyeon speaks up. “Ireh told me what she told you. She felt pretty bad about it.”
“She really didn’t mean to,” Junseo says.
“I was going to tell you at some point, but I didn’t want you to feel uncomfortable,” Sanghyeon says, shoulder slumping as he walks. “I hope we can still be friends.”
Without realizing, Junseo’s feet slow to a stop. “I’m gay,” Junseo says. He’s never been ashamed or anything, but it’s the first time he’s said it out loud like this before. Sanghyeon turns back to look at him. “I’m gay too,” he repeats, the words even steadier this time.
“Oh,” Sanghyeon says. His face makes a series of expressions that Junseo can’t understand. Relieved and then confused and then happy, all in a matter of seconds. “That’s good,” Sanghyeon says with a strange laugh, and then he bends over, resting his hands on his knees as he takes a deep breath.
“Are you okay?” Junseo asks.
Sanghyeon straightens up. They’re nearly the same height if Sanghyeon doesn’t slouch, and his gaze finds Junseo right away. “Sorry, I just—I like you,” he says. “I was going to tell you last week but then you left all of a sudden and I thought, I thought you must’ve known and been grossed out or something.”
Junseo can’t believe it. He feels lightheaded with the rush of the confession, his heart leaping into his throat. The street lamp flickers above them. “I left because I realized I like you.”
“Wait, what?”
“I liked someone last year,” Junseo says. He’ll tell the other story another time, when Sanghyeon isn’t looking at him with such nervous eyes. “He liked someone else and it took me a while to get over it. I didn’t want it to happen again.”
Sanghyeon breathes a sigh of relief. “You made it sound like you were horrified to like me,” he says.
“No. I was just scared,” Junseo admits. “But I like you. You helped me move on.”
“I’ve never done this before,” Sanghyeon says. He's still bolder than Junseo, reaching out and intertwining their fingers. His hand is soft, and the touch sends a shiver up Junseo’s spine. “And I know we’re both busy but I want to date you, if that’s what you want too.”
“I want that,” Junseo says.
“And I want to kiss you,” Sanghyeon says.
Junseo feels himself smiling. “I want that too.”
Sanghyeon looks around, then takes a step forward, the toes of their sneakers touching. He leans in, and Junseo closes his eyes.
After the next Saturday class, Sanghyeon drags Junseo to the photobooth studio. It takes some cajoling, because Junseo's idea of a good time does not include any props or silly hats, but Junseo's come to realize he'd do a lot of things just to make Sanghyeon happy.
"Come on, make a heart with me," Sanghyeon says.
When the shutter goes off, Junseo's mouth is still set in a straight line, but his arm is dutifully curved over his head, making a heart with Sanghyeon's.
"I didn't know you knew how to do aegyo," Jaewon says, examining the four-cut. "You were never cute to me."
Junseo plucks it out of Jaewon's hands, sliding the photo back into his bookbag. "That barely even counts as aegyo."
"You're cute when you're in love," Jaewon says.
"Shut up," Junseo says, but still, he has to actively resist the urge to smile.